Do you know when it’s easy to log into the game and be evil?

If you’re Lonomonkey, I think it’s every damn day. All that poutine, you know.

But if you’re me, it comes easiest when you’re having a crappy day. If you are me and having a crappy day, I’m sorry. I know how it is because that’s what is happening.

It’s just. Okay. Not enough sleep was had thanks to my husband apparently dreaming he is a like a ninja or something because he kept kicking me and hitting me in his sleep last night. I woke up enough at 2:00 am and hit him back, pretty hard, because I was fed up and cranky and it was also two in the fucking morning. When I snarled at him to stop, he murmured an “Okay,” and then snored a little. He didn’t even have the decency to wake up all the way to feel my wrath.

So I shoved him. And snarled some more about “GET ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED OMG.”

All of which convinces me that the first thing we need to get on our list of Shit We’d Like to Get Once We Can Afford It Why Does Buying a House Have to Ruin Everything is a king sized bed. Because a queen is clearly not big enough for the both of us and if he doesn’t knock off his snuggling (and hitting!) shenanigans, he can just go sleep on the couch. Forever.

After my alarm startled me awake and my ass was dragged out of bed, I ended up apologizing for hitting him last night. And he was all… What did I even do to deserve that?

Which, you know, made me want to hit him again. Because sometimes I just don’t want to use my words. But I didn’t hit him. I explained. We had a little laugh over it.

And then. The Kitchen Incident happened.

I was cleaning up some dishes leftover from last night and he was making coffee and breakfast, because that’s how our deal tends to work out. Also, I turn on the wrong burners on the stove all the time when I’m fully awake and totally sober. Sleepy and irritable doesn’t seem like the right thing to mix with my general kitchen derpiness.

After I had finished putting all the obviously dirty dishes into the dishwasher, I looked around and spotted a fork on the counter next to the microwave.

“Are you still using this?” I asked.

He got huffy. All: “I have BOWL in the MICROWAVE and I NEED the FORK to be able to STIR the FOOD so I can EAT.”

And I was like, “You know, a simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.”

Since I still wanted to hit him, I took my burnt egg and my coffee and I left to go somewhere he wasn’t to eat it.

He later apologized. Not for burning my egg, but for the whole interrupting my sleep and snapping at me over petty shit in the kitchen but I’m pretty much the world’s biggest baby, so we’re not really resolved. I know this because I left for work without the “have a good day” kiss we always share at the door. Also, because I’m having a ridiculous tantrum and I know it but I am not mature enough to just snap out of it and stop and get some fucking perspective.¹

I am so awesome. Everyone should either be my friend or try to be just like me.²

Then I get to work and the Elevator Incident happened.

The one where I am walking towards an elevator at the same time as two other people in the office and they look right at me, get on the elevator and apparently lean on the CLOSE DOOR NOW button because even though I try to catch it, the door closes nearly on my arm and they are both in there looking at me and making no move to maybe just hold the elevator for the two seconds it would have taken for me to get on.

And I think they are fucking bastards and would spit in their coffee if I could.

Which is why it’s easy for me to be in game now, with my bad mood, telling orphans that life sucks sometimes and they need to just learn to deal with it because no one cares about them and no one ever will.

And that’s the only time it’s ever easy for me to play on the dark side.